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It's That Time For The Birds And The Bees |
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Written by Nofisat Odunsi
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Friday, 19 December 2008 16:48 |
"I was nervous and I found that topic embarrassing to talk about with my parents," said Maxine Jones, 18.
 "That topic" is sex and Maxine isn't the only one who doesn't want to discuss it with her parents. "I'm not planning on doing it cuz my parents are corny. I wouldn't feel comfortable," said Brian Thomas, 19.
I interviewed seven people, both male and female, and none of them had ever approached their parents about sex. Instead, they got their information from health classes, friends, books, magazines, porno movies, and their "natural instincts."
'DON'T HAVE SEX, THAT'S IT!'
Why is it so hard for teenagers and their parents to talk about sex? Vilma Torres, a social worker at
Planned Parenthood's Boro Hall Center in Brooklyn said, "Parents are afraid if they talk about it, their
teens will do it" and teenagers are "concerned about their parents' reactions."
This was definitely true of the teens I spoke with, especially the girls. Most were sure that their parents would disapprove of them being sexually active and that if they raised the subject of sex, their parents would assume they were doing it.
Sheena Davis, 14, of Fashion Industries HS said, "They might think I was thinking about having sex because I brought up the subject and not let me go out with boys anymore." If her parents thought she was having sex now, they would be "disappoined," said Sheena.
Maxine said her parents "probably would be angry or upset" if they thought she was sexually active and that they might "look at me differently." Paula Foster, 14, of Chirst the King HS, said her mother "would probably be mad. She would say I'm too young for that."
The girls also thought that if they asked their parents aobut sex, they would probably get a "just say
no" type of lecture instead of real information. Paula said she would want her parents "to explain and
not say, 'Don't have sex! That's it!'" which is what she thinks would happen.
THEY DON'T ASK, I DON'T TELL
The guys' reasons for not talking to their parents were a little different. They weren't so worried about getting into trouble. David Jackson, 18, said he learned about sex from "peers" and just never felt
any need to aske his parents about it, even when he was younger. And, he added, "they never asked me what I was doing or what I wasn't doing." Now that he's older and sexually active, he doesn't want to discuss sex with them "because then they'll want to get all in your business even more."
If his parents knew he was having sex, David said, "They would tell me, 'You better not get no girl
pregnant and you better protect yourself and you should have waited.' He also thinks they wouldn't leave him alone in the house anymore because "it might be used as my personal hotel."
Ryan Harris, 21, says his parents know he's had sex "because they found a condom in my room. They just said, "(We) don't want you to have sex in (our) house.'"
Unlike David, Ryan wishes his parents had talked to him about it when he was younger because "that would have let me know that they cared about me."
HOW TO START THE CONVERSATION
 Several people said they wished their parents had approaced them about sex. "It would be easier talking about it if someone else brought up the conversation," Paula said. Maxine said she would have liked it if her parents had "asked me how I felt about (sex) or if my school was covering it, maybe asking if I was talking about it with my friends or classmates." Maxine also said it would have helped her "if they asked me to read books about it or talk to someone that I felt comfortable with and also (tried) not to be judgmental."
If your parents don't appproach you aout discussing six, Vilma torres said, it's worth putting your
embarrassment aside and bringing it up yourself. "There are times when (parents) can give us correct information and give us support," she said. Torres recommended that you choose a time "when your parents aren't busy or cranky." She also suggested that "if you see a (TV) program about it, discuss it with your parents." And if you are having sex, Torres advised, "Tell your parents before someone else does."
Some of the people I interviewed said they could imagine talking to their parents about sex in the
future. Maxine said she would "if I felt I was ready to have sex or thinking about having sex or if I was
with someone who was pressuring me to have sex." Sheena said, "If I thought I was pregnant I might talk to my mother about it." Even David, the guy who doesn't want his parents to get in his business, said he would tell his parents if he "got a girl pregnant" because he'd want "to prepare them for whether they're going to be proud grandparents or not."
GETTING THE INFORMATION YOU NEED
If you can't talk to your parents about sex, you should still try to make "informed decisions with good
information," Torres said. First, find someone else you can talk to. "Call Planned Parenthood, Mount
Sinai's Adolescent Center, the Door, or get a referral from Youthline," Torres advised. Second, "Make sure it's what you want to do," Torres said.
The right time to have sex is "when you're feeling mature and ready to take on the responsibility. When you want to do it, not because someone is pressuring you to do it," Torres said. And if you do decide
you're ready, she added. "Go to a pharmacy to get protection."
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